It’s gloves off in bid to grow the biggest elephant ear

Is competitive gardening a good thing?

I’m not talking about the casual “my garden looks better than the one next door” kind of thing. I’m talking about full-on winners and losers kind of gardening.

I’ve often thought that the lack of competition is one of the things that makes gardening a respite from the toil of life, but like it or not, I’ve managed to find myself smack dab in the middle of a no-holds-barred gardening competition.

It started innocently enough with the delivery of a small potted elephant ear (Colocasia) last week. Unbeknowst to me, I’d been “entered” into a ‘Thailand Giant’ elephant ear growing competition with seven other gardeners from across the country.

The goal — to produce the biggest leaf by the end of the season. 

I have some trepidation about the competitive aspect of this. Not because I’m afraid of competition, but because I am prone to obsessive competitiveness. And that sounds like a good way to make gardening less fun than it should be.

Any hope I might have had for this to be a friendly competition disappeared quickly. A group conversation had vague mentions of special soil amendments and fertilizers. Several people suggested they were starting in the hole because the plant they received didn’t look as good as others. One gardener suggested he might pay off the troublemaking twins of a fellow competitor to sabotage her plant. The gloves, it appeared, were off.

So I did the only I could. I jumped in with both feet. First I provided photographic evidence that my plant had been shipped upside down with no remaining leaves, and argued that as the gardener in the coldest climate I should get a handicap rating. Then I mixed up a combination of potting mix, compost, worm castings, insect frass and time release fertilizer and planted it in the biggest nursery pot I had.

The pot is a temporary solution, but since this plant needs warmth (such as the reflected heat on my patio) and lots of water, that’s the best place for it now. These plants get truly huge with leaves that can be 4 to 6 feet long, so at some point I’ll have to find a spot in the garden or a much bigger pot for it. 

My plan is to push it with as much fertilizer as I can safely give it, but to be clear, I am so keen on winning that I’d give it daily homemade protein smoothies if it would help. 

The competition is stiff. One gardener is known as the “elephant ear lady” in her neighborhood. Another uses a photo of himself next to 5-foot long elephant ear leaves on social media. One lives in South Carolina where the heat and humidity will certainly be a boost. Another grew up in Thailand. That gardener is being particulary quiet in the ongoing message string and I suspect he’s the one to beat.

All of this feels antithetical to my typical way of thinking of gardening, as a community activity where gardeners help each other and enjoy a share passion.

But here I am. So send your tips and fertilizer recipes for growing an enormous elephant ear, because the reputation of Wisconsin gardeners is on the line.